These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow. ~ Sam Snead
You can talk to a fade but a hook won't listen.~ Lee Trevino
I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.~ George Brett
Actually, the only time I ever took out a one-iron was to kill a tarantula. And I took a 7 to do that. ~ Jim Murray
The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie.~ Mickey Mantle
Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them. ~ Kevin Costner
I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie f or a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye. ~ Chi Chi Rodriguez
I would like to thank all of you for your kind words and accolades concerning my recent hole-in-one. I have never felt so much love!!!
And yes, it would be my great pleasure to buy each and every one of you a beer at the next opportunity! (as many have so resolutely reminded me)
Since were on the subject, here are a few observations about the experience you might enjoy....
One typically blames fate for other accidents, but inexplicably feels personally responsible when he makes a hole in one.
It's unfortunate to get a hole-in-one when you have skipped out on work because your name gets in the paper.
But it is good to get a hole-in-one when you have squeezed in morning golf and have to run to an appointment immediately following the conclusion of the round!
There is a tradition that you owe your partners in the bar a drink following your achievement. However, everyone you know thinks you owe them a drink too, in spite of the fact they were no where near the place.
Your list of friends grows exponentially when word of your good fortune gets out.
So why is it that you owe everyone who ever knew you a drink when you get a hole-in-one? One good friend and sage observes that it should be like most other celebrations where someone should be buying you a drink!!
You may be surprised to find out that someone might actually just charge your account for their drink just to make sure they don't miss out!
I was really clear about what happened with my hole-in-one insurance when someone else gets one "Ka-ching".. But when I get one, the information about the benefits became mysteriously unavailable! "Ka-thunk"
The odds of an amateur getting a hole in one on a par 3 according to Golf Digest has been put at 1 in 12,000 to 1 in 40,000, depending on the source. I estimate that I have played some 600 rounds in my 20 years of golf. Presumably there are 4 opportunities for a hole in one on each round, so I have had 2400 opportunities for a hole in one. Since I have had two, it looks like I have seriously beat the odds!!! I must be really good, or really lucky (and I think you know the answer to that one!)
The tradition of buying everyone a drink after a hole-in-one not surprisingly traced back to Scotland. Here is what one historian says about it: "Scotland is historically a very shrewd country. No matter the happy occasion the Scots have always held that any benefactor has to buy drinks for all. Even in small villages areas where there used to be no telephones the whole population would find out and cash in on their free drink. You announce an engagement - free drinks - and then you are forced into bankruptcy the same day. When a Scot plays a round of golf and gets a hole in one, they don't even stop at the 19th hole, they go straight to a bankruptcy trustee. But even then, they will always go back to celebrate! It's a good thing for hole in one insurance. This custom also led to the non rule; that only players playing at the time allowed free drink. Lots of mulligans on this one."
So that's the story. It sure is fun!! Belly up to the bar boys! (Except for one of you who will remain unnamed!)
An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,' how do you stay in such great physical condition?'
I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'
'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'
'Who said my Father's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless ...<< MORE >>
Bill and Fred are golfing one day, when a funeral procession approaches on the road alongside the course. Fred walks over to the fence and doffs his hat. Bill says, "Fred, that is so touching" that you would take a moment from our game and pay respects to the departed!"
Fred replies, "Well, we were married for 37 years, you know."
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they? George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.
The group was silent for a moment. Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity and ecommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband." The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week. The 78-year-old husband replied, "Which days?" The doctor answered, "Monday, Tuesday, and Friday would be ideal." The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday, but on Tuesdays and Friday I golf, so she'll have to take the bus."
A woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.
She pauses, reflects, and then she says, well then, let it read "Fred Brown died."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries. She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read; "Fred Brown died: golf clubs for sale."
An octogenarian who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told that there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play today.
Finally, the assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked him how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The 80 year old said, "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."
And he did play well. Coming to the par four18th, they were all even. The Pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and two-putt for a par. The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball, which landed on the green and rolled into the cup; scoring a birdie, winning the match and all the money!
The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said: "nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"
Replied the octogenarian "I do, would you please give me a hand."
For all of you who are now eligible for Senior play, you may be interested in some important proposed rule changes for the AARP crowd!
Rule 1.a.5
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The senior should not be penalized for tall grass which groundskeepers failed to mow.
Rule 2.d.6 (b)
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.
Rule 3.b.3 (g)
There shall be no such thing as a lost ball; the missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty.
Rule 4.c.7 (h)
If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.
Rule 5.p;
Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.
Rule 6.a.9 (k)
There is no penalty for so-called 'out of bounds.' If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.
Rule 7.g.15 (z)
There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float .. Senior golfers should not be penalized for manufacturers' shortcomings.
Rule 8.k.9(s)
Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impracticable for many senior golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
Police received a domestic dispute and are called to a home where they find a woman holding a bloody three iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asked, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman. "He's been unfaithful to me with the female golf pro at our country club"
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman began to sob, dropped the club, and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times... just put me down for a five "
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have inner peace knowing that a shittier one is yet to come. (This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.)
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
A guy on the golf course is starting to go thru his pre-shot routine when he hears this loud voice from the Pro Shop intercom; "WILL THE GENTLEMAN ON THE WOMAN'S TEE PLEASE MOVE TO THE MEN'S TEE."
He looks around and everyone's staring at him. He steps back from the ball and restarts his routine. Again the voice says, "WILL THE GENTLEMAN ON THE WOMAN'S TEE PLEASE STEP BACK TO THE MEN'S TEE."
He looks around again, steps away from his ball, and restarts his routine. He's interrupted by the voice one more time, "WILL THE GENTLEMAN ON THE WOMAN'S TEE PLEASE STEP BACK TO THE MEN'S TEE."
He step's back from the ball and yells back, "WILL THE GENTLEMAN WITH THE MICROPHONE SHUT THE HELL UP SO I CAN TAKE MY SECOND SHOT!"
Shortly after the Pope had apologized to the Jewish People for the treatment of Jews by the Catholic Church over the years, Ariel Sharon, the Prime Minister of Israel, sent a proposal to the College of Cardinals for a friendly game of golf to be played between the two leaders or their representatives to demonstrate the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Catholics and the Jews. The Pope then met with his College of Cardinals to discuss the proposal.
"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Sharon wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show that you are old and unable to compete. I am afraid that this would tarnish our image in the world."
The Pope thought about this and since he had never held a golf club in his life asked, "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?"
"None who plays golf very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer, who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, and then ask him to play Mr. Sharon as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we will also win the match."
Everyone agreed that this was a great idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and he agreed to play as a representative of the Pope.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, Your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I have played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"How can there be bad news?" the Pope asked. Nicklaus sighed, "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes".
A couple of old guys were golfing one day, when one of the men said that he was going to go to Dr. Basil for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked. "Did he do a good job?" The second gent replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the testicles."
The first old guy was confused and asked, "What does that have to do with your dentures?"
The second man answered, "That was the first time in two years that my teeth didn't hurt."
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