A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her
9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom
closet.
Then the woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in
there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '$250'
Man - Sold

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the
closet together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a sand wedge.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
...

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Top 10 funniest golf commercials - Golf Course Industry

http://www.golfcourseindustry.com/gci-video-funny-golf-commercials.aspx ... << MORE >>

What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honor and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, slicing it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway.
Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match." 
You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin.
About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!". The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods ...

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During my physical the other day, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level, and so I described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four "leaks" behind big trees."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a crappy golfer."

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http://www.ohurleyrange.com/ 4! ... << MORE >>

From a 1992 bootleg concert. John Denver singing a parody of "16 Tons - 18 Holes"



youtu.be/3fbTGhDDL2g ... << MORE >>

Feherty is a Golf Channel announcer who finds very unique, colorful and uninhibited ways of explaining or describing whatever is on his mind...... Probably always on time delay these days.

Feherty Quotes:
“Fortunately, he (Rory) is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the strongest muscle in his body.”

“That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn’t find it if it was wrapped in bacon.”

“I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn’t be here this week. He is attending the birth of his next wife.”

“They don’t do comedy at the Masters. The Masters, for me, is like holding onto a really big collection of gas for a week. It’s like having my buttocks surgically clenched at Augusta General Hospital on Wednesday, and surgically unclenched on Monday on the way to Hilton Head.”

Jim Furyk’s swing - “It looks like an octopus falling out of a tree.”

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Submitted by Bob Pyle

ALICE : 

"Alice"

Say you're playing in a foursome with three of your buddies, when one of them lines up a putt,  takes his stroke ... and doesn't even get the ball to the hole. What do you say?

Well, one possibility is, "hit it, Alice !"

Another is, "nice putt, Alice !"

The derogatory " Alice " statement has been part of golf for decades. But who is Alice ? And what did she do to get immortalized in a golf insult that frequently follows a putt left short?

Contrary to one frequently offered explanation, this "Alice " has nothing to do with the Jackie Gleason sitcom The Honeymooners. Gleason was a golf fanatic, and his character on the show, Ralph Kramden, played golf, too. Ralph's wife was named Alice. It's a good ...

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In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, And Rather Small.
Oh How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
Of The Awesome ...

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A Golfer has been slicing off the tee on every hole.

He asks his Irish caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies:

"Aye,  there's a piece of shit on the end of your driver. "

The Golfer picks up his driver and cleans the club face, at which point the caddy says:

"No, the other end.

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A father, son, and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf.
Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she can join them.
 
Naturally, the guys all agreed. 
Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, “Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, or tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don’t try to coach me on how to play my shots.”
 
With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.
 
The father’s mouth was agape. “That was beautiful,”he said.
 
The blonde put her driver away and said, “I really didn’t get into it and I faded it a little.”
 
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out a nine iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)
 
The son said, “Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.”
 
The blonde frowned and said, “It was a little weak. I left a tricky little putt.” Then she tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.
 
Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole and knocked the hell but of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
 
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.
 
She turned to the three guys and said, “I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I’d really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I’ll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year-old Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night.”
 
The yuppie grandson jumped at the thought. He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, “Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.”
 
The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. “Don’t listen to the kid, darlin’, you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.”
 
The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde’s ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said,
 
“That’s a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?”
 
AGE AND EXPERIENCE WILL TRIUMPH OVER YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME

Courtesy of Bob B. -
Milwaukie, OR
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny
early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So. he told the Associate Pastor that he was "Gill Sans MT">feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

 

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed "3">out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone
he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After ...

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This guy has just completed a rough divorce and decided he would like to play a relaxing round of golf.
While waiting on the first tee, he saw the two-some in front of him throw something shiny in the trash. After they got halfway down the fairway, the guy reached into the trash and pulled out a golden bowl. He rubbed it to get the dirt off and a genie popped out. The genie told the guy that he would grant him 3 wishes, under the circumstances that his worst enemy would get double what he wished for.
The guy said he wanted a lamborghini. The genie reassured him that his ex-wife would get two of them. The guy had no hesitation and said he didnt care if his ex had two, as long as he had one for himself. Poof! The genie said there was a lamborghini in his driveway.
The man’s next wish was $1 million in the back of his lamborghini. The genie reassured him that his wife would have $2 million. The guy didn’t care and told the genie to fulfill his wish.
For the guy’s final wish, he thought long and hard. He handed the genie his 6-iron and said calmly, “beat me half to death.”

Sumitted by Charles N  / LaQuinta, CA

On a recent trip to the Fortune Teller the golfer asks: "Are there golf courses in Heaven?"

The fortune teller replies: "I have good news, and I have bad news..."

Golfer: "So what's the good news?"

Fortune Teller: "The good news is that Heaven's golf courses are beautiful beyond anything you could imagine!"

Golfer: "How could there be any bad news with that?"

Fortune Teller: "You have a tee-time at 8:30 tomorrow morning."

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A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, Two  black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asked him, 'What happened to you?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.'
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the
Cow's' butt.'
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'

'I don't remember much after that......

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    On  the 14 years since CBS colleague Gary McCord was banned from the Masters: 
     
      "They  don't do comedy at the Masters. The Masters, for me, is like holding onto a really big collection of gas for a week. It's like having my  buttocks surgically clenched at Augusta General Hospital on  Wednesday, and surgically unclenched on Monday on the way to Hilton  Head." 
     
      _____________
    
      On  his decision to give up his playing career in favor of a  microphone: 
     
      "When  CBS came to me and asked me to do on-course commentary, I said, 'You know, I'm only 37, I still have hopes of [playing] a little better.'  So they told me what they were going to pay me, and I said, 'You want  to buy a set of clubs?' " 
     
      ______________
     
      On  giving up alcohol: 
     
      "I  didn't quit drinking because I was a bad drunk. I quit because I was a spectacular drunk. It got to be like a video game, where you get to  the highest level and it's not even a  challenge." 
      ______________
     
      On  McCord's recent revelation, at the annual JCC Sports Awards banquet in Vancouver, ...<< MORE >>