Submitted by Bob Pyle
ALICE :
"Alice"
Say you're playing in a foursome with three of your buddies, when one of them lines up a putt, takes his stroke ... and doesn't even get the ball to the hole. What do you
say?
Well, one possibility is, "hit it, Alice !"
Another is, "nice putt, Alice !"
The derogatory " Alice " statement has been part of golf for decades. But who is Alice ? And what did she do to get immortalized in a golf insult that frequently follows a putt left short?
Contrary to one frequently offered explanation, this "Alice " has nothing to do with the Jackie Gleason sitcom The Honeymooners. Gleason was a golf fanatic, and his character on the show, Ralph Kramden, played golf, too. Ralph's wife was named Alice. It's a good ...
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In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, And Rather Small.
Oh How Bland It Does
Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not Guess,
Of The Awesome ...
A Golfer has been slicing off the tee on every hole.
He asks his Irish caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies:
"Aye, there's a piece of shit on the end of your driver. "
The Golfer picks up his driver and cleans the club face, at which point
the caddy says:
"No, the other end.
... << MORE >>Courtesy of Bob B.
-
Milwaukie, OR
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and
sunny
early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So. he told the Associate Pastor that he was "Gill Sans MT">feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed "3">out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet
anyone
he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After ...
<< MORE >>Sumitted by Charles N / LaQuinta, CA
On a recent trip to the Fortune Teller the golfer asks: "Are there golf courses in Heaven?"
The fortune teller replies: "I have good news, and I have bad news..."
Golfer: "So what's the good news?"
Fortune Teller: "The good news is that Heaven's golf courses are beautiful beyond anything you could imagine!"
Golfer: "How could there be any bad news with that?"
Fortune Teller: "You have a tee-time at 8:30 tomorrow morning."
...<< MORE >>A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, Two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally the doctor asked him, 'What happened to you?'
'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.'
We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'
'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the
Cow's' butt.'
Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'
'I don't remember much after that......
...<< MORE >>Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls.
If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of the phrase 'maul it again.'
A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ...neither of whom can putt very well.
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into ...<< MORE >>
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What are your green fees?
Staff: 38 dollars.
Caller: Does that include golf?
-
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?
-
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What's the weather going to be like that day?
-
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I'm running late. Can you still get me out early?
-
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?
Staff: You mean a driving range?
Caller: No, that's not it..,,,
-
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I'd like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 o'clock and noon.
Staff: Between 12 o'clock and noon?
Caller: Yes.
Staff: We'll try to squeeze you in.
-
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock?
Staff: Yes, we ...<< MORE >>
Husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks a question.
WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?'
HUSBAND: (deing verrrrry careful here) 'Definitely not!'
WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'
HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.'
WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'
HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'
WIFE: 'You would? (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'
HUSBAND: 'Sure. It's a great house.'
WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'
HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'
WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'
HUSBAND: 'Probably. It is almost new.'
WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'
HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.'
WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'
HUSBAND: 'No. I'm sure she'd want her own.'
WIFE: 'Would you take her golfing with you?'
HUSBAND: 'Yes. Those are always good times.'
WIFE: 'Would she use my clubs?'
HUSBAND: 'No. She's left-handed.'
WIFE: - silence -
HUSBAND: ' . . . Shit.'
...<< MORE >>Submitted by S. Melrose, Portland, OR
Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast. That's it", he tells his wife. I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad ..once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try".
"That's no good", sighs Arthur. "Your brother is a hundred and three. He can't help".
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect".
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?", says Arthur.
"I don't remember."
Submitted by David Horne, Ayrshire, Scotland
A circus owner runs an ad for an amateur lion tamer with creative approaches and two people show up.
One is a good looking, retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them; "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good and creative or you're likely to be history.
Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun.
Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen ...<< MORE >>
Submitted by Joesph D., Lake Oswego, OR
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the ...<< MORE >>
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
During the putting session, she innocently, she asked; "Is it spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?''
"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied, and then went on to explain......
"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt typically means a vain attempt to do the same thing."
John was playing a new course and on #16 he sliced the ball into an extremely deep wooded ravine. He grabbed his seven iron and clambered over the edge in search of his lost ball.
After many long minutes of poking through at the underbrush, he finally spotted his ball. As he was attempting to postion himself for a shot, he noticed something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was a seven iron in hands of a skeleton!
John immediately called out to his friend, "Larry, I've got trouble down here!"
"What's the matter?" Larry asked from the edge of the ravine.
"Bring me my wedge," Brian shouted. "Looks like you can't get out of here with a seven iron!"
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